Living with someone battling an illness that leaves them with chronic pain is hard. Sometimes it takes me to the edge of who I know myself to be. I get frustrated and that frustration can easily turn to anger and hurt.
Last night was an example of that.
We had just returned from a business trip, and it was a long day. We were both tired and so glad to be home. I had finished unpacking and now it was time to relax. Comfy clothes and Pizza, ahh Perfection.
Que the chronic pain…
One of the ways Michael copes with his illness and the pain that accompanies it is to play computer games. It distracts his mind enough to block out the constant assault on his body. He has a strategy game he has played for years that is the perfect prescription for the job at hand.
As he got out his laptop and went to start his game, nothing happened. Hmmm. He had just played the night before without any trouble, so he logged completely out and tried again. This time he got a little further but now was receiving an error message. The laptop he was using is older and has been a bit temperamental of late, so he got another computer and tried again. Still the same problem.
I could see his frustration level rising and know when he gets upset it increases his physical pain. I tell him that it is okay. It is just a game. Wrong response for sure! I was trying to help him put things in perspective but nope, I was devaluing this outlet that helps him cope with so much discomfort. He responded by slamming his computer shut and snapping at me.
At this point, I just firmly stated I was going to bed and huffed off out of the room. He asked me to come back, and I just kept on walking. I was tired, my feelings were hurt, and frankly, tired of feeling like every time his pain is uncontrollable I get the brunt of his anger and frustration. I am his wife, not an emotional punching bag. He came to bed, we kissed and said I love you, but were very distant all night long.
Morning came and as I spent time with God, he brought me a devotional that I had missed. It was in the pages of “Jesus Calling: Finding Peace in His Presence” that God gave me revelations and put some pieces together. Author, Sarah Young, writes “When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say “Help me, Jesus!” And I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don’t be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.”
As I allowed this to sink in, I was reminded of my quest as a Christian to be more like Jesus, and it hit me how unlike Jesus I had behaved. I am so grateful for the grace of God and that I can call out to him over and over again and he is always there.
Last night I did not give my husband that same grace. He was calling out to me for love, care, understanding, and support and I walked away. I knew at that moment I needed to ask for forgiveness, not only from God but from my husband. I was heartbroken to admit that I gave the enemy control of the situation instead of calling out to Jesus for the strength needed to conquer the situation.
Falling short is part of the human condition. When you do, be reminded of God’s character. He is compassionate, gracious, patient, loving, faithful, and ever so forgiving.
Remember, repent, renew, rejoice, and so very often…. repeat.
God Bless-
Your friend, Rho
